nadir from last night

(601): ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have

what a joke. 4 SEPERATE bars? really? OMGZZZZ crazy night. ever have pnc call you at 9am to verify an $800 on-line topshop charge placed at 3:20am? doubtful. (voided, thankfully)

send me a text when you find yourself moving home with triple digit credit card debt after attending college in a place where you can get beers for A QUARTER and entire liquor pitchers for 5 dollars.

nadir in my inbox

(215): i need a place free of bedbugs, mice, and diarrhea

i could never reveal who sent me this gem of a text message...but clearly the author of those ten words is sailing the u.s.s. nadir from now until it crashes into the holland tunnel. watch out, new york.

nadir from NEW JERSEY

"beers. bitches. and the beach. that's all you need to know about the jersey shore." really? because i remember the jersey shore as a place for fun family days spent mini-golfing, chasing after the ice cream truck (fatty), and braving the polluted waters of the mid-atlantic. not so - MTV's newest reality show, "Jersey Shore," chronicles quite a different shore experience for four guys and four girls living together for a month during the summer.

the characters aren't just your average binge drinking, bicurious, totally damaged young adults. no, MTV has chosen to collect a particular breed of binge drinking, bicurious, totally damaged young adults from up and down the east coast: guidos and guidettes (i thought guido was gender neutral....) at the ready with costco sized hair gel, premium tanning memberships, and dance moves like you've never seen before.

i feel more like an embedded journalist in my reporting on this situation. my family used to have a jersey shore house and i spent three entire years of my highschool life in new jersey. once, i even had the opportunity to see the guido in all of his glory at a minor concert mix-up.

several summers back, my friends and i went to see red hot chilli peppers at a concert called "beatstock." we knew something was amiss as soon as we drove onto the parking lot: every concert goer was totally straight out of "my new haircut." disoriented, my one friend asked: "wait, why are there so many guidos here?" we decided to brave the unknown and see what was going on inside of the venue. as you may have guessed, beatstock was decidedly un-rhcp and completely "drop a beat" staten island club/music to pump your fist to. we left early and headed for the nearest tgiFridays. (it turns out red hot chilli peppers played at the same venue a few nights before. win! no, total nadir)

anyway, given my extensive experience, every thrusday i'd like to share my thoughts on the happenings of these fine young americas. teaser: what do we have to look foward to this season? says one huge guid on the show: "i'm ready to party...get filthy, get creepy and wierd."

get what? never drinking in jersey again.

nadir from last night

(513): I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"

generally speaking i tend to think, "it can always get worse;" but in this case - nadir, definite nadir.

my heart goes out to all of those who have nipple hair and all if those who find themselves in bed with someone who has nipple hair.

nadir from the nineties

i have to get braces. again.

nadir from last night

zenith or nadir? i report. you decide.

(937): Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?

oh wait, this isn't fox news. is this dude even serious? (in the interest of balanced reporting: yes, i realize this human could be a woman). but honestly, there are doors on bathrooms for a reason. tandem toilets do not exist for a reason (really?). girls sit down while peeing for a reason.

men of southwest ohio: you're dead to me - especially those who use "me" in place of "my."

ninety year old nadir

ok, so my grandma is only 82. but she literally just interrupted my top chef on demand watching by falling in our hallway whilst trying to get to the bathroom and is currently wallowing/screaming absolute incoherities/fake crying.

for those of you who don't know my grandma personally, allow me to describe: she is 199 lbs, the president of her senior citizens group, she has three tattoos (marking her 60th, 70th, and 80th birthdays), takes ambien every night, and washes down her dinner with a beverage she defends as "wine". something tells me the daily's and prescriptives didn't interact as planned this evening.

update: grandma made it back to bed and my mom just shouted, "no more drugs. not tonight, no more!"

thanksgiving memories

(please note: the title of my post was neither "tgiving memories" nor "thanxgiving memories." why? because both made you sound like teenybopping-justin bieber loving-training bra wearing tard. please please note: i was once such a human.)

oh thanksgiving, how i love thee. food, drinks, volunteerism! tis the time to be thankful for the bounty of good cheer in your life.

a mere two years ago i found myself being thankful for something in particular - a large industrial sized trash can. the saturday after the last day before thanksgiving break, i journeyed via taxi (no, i didn't have a drivers license at the time) from the hermetical world of college binge drinking to volunteer at a boy scouts food drive a few towns over. although this small town claims to be "central pennsylvania's victorian secret", i believe a more accurate description is post-industrial hellhole (see: all of pittsburgh).

the evening before was, in three words, awesome (for college). shots of vladi, passing out in the parking lot of a long-closed pizza hut, throwing up into a plastic bag...and then...waking up bright and early, pounding a fruit smoothie, and calling the taximan to go stack cans of food for the out of work and chronically food insecure. somewhere during the first 5 minutes of rearranging non-perishables i felt the familiar signs of vomitus expulsiveness bubble up within me: sudden salivation, a burning in the stomach, dreary lightheadedness. i excused myself only to find the restroom occupado.

so while some little boy scout defected to the bathroom to sleep off a late night of call of duty, i was forced to lower my face into the nearest trash can. throughout the morning i returned to that same trash can at least four times, constantly reassuring my fellow volunteers that it was "just a mild stomach virus." (meanwhile, stench of vladi radiated from my person)

throwing up at a food drive? not just totally nadirish, but also blatantly in poor taste. looking back on this sweet, sweet memory i am thankful for a number of things: 1) the obvious knight in shining armour of this story - the trash can - without whom i would have been forced to vomit into a cheery holiday cup on sale in the "Christmas Bazaar" section of the food bank; 2) my friends - who despite allowing me to drink more than i could possibly handle also pick me up at desolated pizza huts in the middle of the night; c) and, lastly, the fact that i liquor drinks and smoothies to throw up at all.

nadir from last night

rock bottom? i believe that's a synonym for nadir. see below.

(608): i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom

i'm pretty sure she was actually crying because her cell phone area code belongs to "much of southwest Wisconsin." plus, everyone knows its impossible to cry when unlimited salad and breadsticks are just a finger snap away.

i can haz blog?

welcome to my life. each day something happens to me on a scale ranging from unfortunate to unbelievable to nadirish. (as a graduate of the kaplan GRE test prep comprehensive book i purchased at b & n, i feel qualified to utilize words like nadir, and its antonym: zenith. i also feel qualified to append nouns to adjectives as needed).

maybe you've lost a shoe - but have you ever lost a single croc in the thai embassy? perhaps you've ran into a door - but has an automatic door ever ripped off your big toenail? surely you've thrown up after a long night of drinking - but have you ever thrown up a bottle of vladi in a food bank during a boyscouts canned food drive? i. think. not.

"Dignity Optional" was taken so you'll just have to enjoy The Daily Nadir - and i expect you to check this daily.